· Expressing emotion by yelling, crying, throwing things, banging doors etc.
Most of our communication patterns are learned. They may be learned by modelling our behaviour on the behaviour of significant persons in our lives. For instance, a person might use sarcasm in most conflict situations that he unconsciously learned from a teacher who controlled unruly or hostile students with sarcasm. Another person might have learned from her father to use peace-making communications in disagreements, reflecting her father’s attempts to avoid unpleasant conflict. Because the learning is often unconscious, we may not be aware of it, or of the ‘teachers’ in our lives until we begin analysing our patterns and recognising them in people who influenced us.
Some patterns develop out of situations, especially if those situations were traumatic or life-changing. A judgmental, critical man might come out of a near-death situation with new tolerance for others, and communicate more appreciation. A previously outgoing, tolerant and positive woman might become more negative, suspicious and self-concealing after being physically attacked.
Sometimes, the change results from the development of already latent tendencies (the woman may have previously avoided her inherent fearfulness), while other changes may result from fixation on the traumatic or critical incident and its associated emotions (the woman’s whole perspective is influenced by her terror of the attack). On the other hand, the changes may be a temporary strategy for coping as the person re-thinks their beliefs and values (the woman might have been too trusting and chosen to see only the positives, so her new pattern might help her cope as she struggles to form a more realistic, balanced perspective).
Other patterns may be consciously developed. Humanistic psychologists emphasise the individual’s inherent drive to personal growth, and the importance of seeking fulfilment, in their theories of human behaviour. Even children can choose to make changes that bring them closer to their ideals, and much teenage angst can be explained as the young person’s search for personal meaning. A person might become more self-critical as a way of working towards an ideal, or might use praise as a way of communicating and nurturing an appreciative attitude to life and other people. The beauty of being human is our incredible capacity for purposeful, self-driven change. This means that when we do identify negative or destructive communication patterns in our behaviour, we can choose to replace them with positive, constructive patterns.
The thought, feeling and action cycle
In trying to understand and change our responses to our circumstances or impulses, we must consider the three basic components of behaviour:
- cognition - what we think, believe and expect
- emotion - what we feel, fear, need or desire
- action – what we actually do.
There is some debate as to how these three elements affect each other. For example, some believe that our emotions determine what we think, which in turn determines what we do. Others argue that our thoughts determine our emotions and influence our actions. Buddhist philosophy, for example, teaches that action can affect both our thinking and our emotions, and this is borne out by biofeedback and neuro-linguistic programming, which demonstrate that by controlling our physical actions such as breath and heart rate or even direction of eye movement, we can affect our emotions and thoughts.
More recent research clearly demonstrates that smiling can cause many immediate and positive changed in our immune system and body functions. Therefore, how we act and how we communicate are very important factors in determining the kinds of relationships we form and maintain. Conversely, how we think will have perceivable (and usually repetitive) effects on our relationship behaviours and communications.
Communicative intent
One aspect of our behavioural patterns in relationships is intention. What do we want or expect to gain or achieve with this behaviour? Surprisingly, many of us do not even think about this, except in a vague, fuzzy way. Instead, we tend to behave according to established patterns that were formed over our lifetime, even when these patterns continue to yield negative or few positive results.
If people are drawn into relationships to improve the quality of their lives or achieve personal goals, we would expect that most of our relationship communications would be aimed at trying to meet those goals; first, by finding others who will help us meet them, and second, by behaving in ways that will initiate, build and maintain relationships with them. Fortunately, many people are able to achieve these goals, albeit with difficulties and challenges that accompany all relationships to some degree or other.
However, many of us have not developed patterns of behaviour that encourage satisfying relationships, or meet our identified needs. On the contrary, our patterns of behaviour tend to lead us on a repetitive cycle of optimism, disillusionment and pain. Therefore, it is crucial that we identify our patterns of behaviour, critically examine them in regard to their outcomes (desired or not desired) and do the necessary work on those that result in largely negative outcomes to understand them, and replace them with behaviours more likely to produce positive results.
It is also helpful to accept that people may have different and unexpected reasons for beginning and building a relationship with another person. In chapter 5 of the text, it is stated that people enter relationships in response to four impulses: the impulse to receive stimulation, to express experience, to assert oneself, and to enhance enjoyment of certain activities. However, human beings are more complex than this list assumes. Humanistic theory tells us that humans might enter relationships for altruistic reasons, in order to give to and serve others. They might enter relationships to meet social or family expectations or needs, or to avoid negative elements such as social disapproval. They might enter relationships out of fear (of aloneness, for example), or because they are acting out established patterns.
Therefore, the issue of identifying intention is important. That is another reason why recognising patterns is so valuable, because those patterns of behaviour and communication can provide insights that may not be consciously available as to a person’s thinking, expectations and subconscious impulses. Repetition is itself a potent communication of deep seated belief and expectation.
Negative or irrational patterns of thought
Behaviour patterns, which include our communication patterns, may result from, or be sustained by corresponding patterns of thought. For instance, if we have an optimistic view of our ability for make and enjoy satisfying relationships and towards others, or think of ourselves in mostly positive terms, we will act with more confidence, be more trusting of others’ goodwill, and behave more positively. If our thoughts and expectations are more negative and our self-image less favourable, we might be quicker to accuse, to blame, to self-justify, to become angry or hurt, or to inflict hurt.
Some thought patterns that have been identified by psychologists as negative thought patterns are:
All or nothing thinking: Seeing things in black or white categories. You may see yourself either as perfect or a total failure.
Disqualifying the positive: Explaining away positive aspects in order to maintain negative beliefs and expectations. You attribute your parenting success to luck.
Overgeneralisation: Seeing a pattern in a single or irregular event. You might call a person a liar for one deceit.
Jumping to conclusions: Making a negative interpretation based on inconclusive or insufficient supporting information. You might decide that you know why a person did something, or decide that a person will act in a certain way, based on skimpy evidence or faulty assumptions.
Magnification or Minimisation: Exaggerating or mimimising the importance of things to meet your own expectations or self-image. You might minimise the role of your error in causing a difficulty, and exaggerate another person’s error to displace responsibility for the outcomes.
Emotional reasoning: Assuming that your emotions are a reflection of the truth. You might decide someone dislikes you because you feel uncomfortable around them.
Labelling and Mislabelling: Stereotyping and defining others or yourself in limited ways. You might call yourself insecure because you feel uncomfortable in new situations, or think of someone as an egoist because he accepts praise with a simple thanks.
Personalisation: Seeing yourself or another person as the cause of events for which you are not primarily responsible. You might believe that you caused your father to be distant and cold.
Source: ACS Distance Education Library